Tuesday 6 September 2016

Very White Privilege!

A group of young anti-racist activists closed down London City Airport earlier today. Led by Tarquin “Che” Cholmondeley-Warner, the intrepid anarchists chained themselves to a sustainably farmed, ethno-friendly timber edifice and valiantly resisted several assaults on their position by the fascist forces of the racist establishment.

When asked what drove his political thinking, Tarquin “Che” Cholmondeley-Warner replied: “Racism! Racism is everywhere! Even in the oppressive molecular structure of the white man’s earthly atmosphere! Only when every last white man is dead will there be freedom and joyous relief for the black man…”

“And the black women” screamed Tarquin’s heavy set second-in-command, Arabella Fink-Throttle, her blue eyes blazing with socialist fervour behind her designer pince-nez. “Never forget about the poor black women who not only lead lives of racial misery in the white world, but have to live as the oppressed gender…”

Arabella was cruelly cut off at this point, by another Comrade, Hugo Bassington-Bassington, who screeched: “It’s not just gender Arabella, as I’ve told you a million times! Your CIS prejudice is growing! Trans-genderism Against International Airlines is why I am here today! To hell with your antiquated mono-gendered activism!”

Arabella, moving with surprising speed for one so heavy, grasped Hugo firmly in a head lock, much to the disgust of Montague Bertram-Spiffing, the part time lover of Hugo, whose bi/trans/cis sexual urges were wholly dependant on the fluidity of hormones and the positioning of the moon. “Leave him alone you ghastly fat lezzer” he cried, prior to being decked with a single punch by Clara Zetkin, the no-nonsense Marxist ideologue and editor-in-chief of the “uni” newspaper Oppression Everywhere (a snip at £10 per re-cycled copy).

Within seconds, the fight had spread. Lightly bearded Beatrice Montmerency-Muggeridge dived into the melee, her blonde highlights glinting in the sun as she used both elbows and knees to great affect and great discomfort for Jerome “Fidel” Haughtytoff, a man not used to such violence as part of his day to day life as an earnest humanities student.

The fighting became ever more vicious, as did the verbal insults. “Effing tranny, eff you, you effing bulldyke, have some of that you cis-gendered ****, take your filthy heterosexist hands off me you reactionary relic”….filled the air, much to the consternation of a recently disembarked group of African delegates in town for talks about off-shore tax vehicles and oil derivatives. “Good Lord, what odd people!” one of them remarked. “One hopes not all white people are like this, surely?”